it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
