Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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