mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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