it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
