I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
