I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
