Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
