I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
