I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
