I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
