I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
