On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
