I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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