You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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