Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
