i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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