I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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