I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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