I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
