I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
