A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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