..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
