Screwed.edu
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
