You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
