Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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