i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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