so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
