so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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