Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
