I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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