i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
