omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
