1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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