I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
