You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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