at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
