Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
