i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
