Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
