Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
