his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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