I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
