I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
