my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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