There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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