Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
