I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
