Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
