Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
