he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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