this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
